After a relationship ends, you might find clarity—and perhaps serenity
Your relationship with your partner is over. You've made plans, gotten your things back, sobbed, grieved—basically, you've experienced the whole spectrum of emotions—and now you want what the majority of people desire following a breakup: closure.
It's typical. In the aftermath of a breakup, we frequently repeat the events that led to the breakdown of the relationship and speculate about what may have been done differently. Many of us want answers from our ex so that we may finally move on, whether we were startled by the split or not.
According to certified marital and family therapist Saba Harouni Lurie, "closure is accepting and understanding the finality of the end of a relationship." When a relationship ends, many people want to achieve this notion. People naturally seek the notion that you can finally say goodbye to a relationship and move on from it given how difficult it can be to have a relationship end, especially when it's not on your terms.
Even while seeking closure from your ex is a natural reaction after a split, doing so can be challenging for a variety of reasons.
In a perfect world, an ex would be accessible to provide understanding explanations of why the relationship ended, according to Lurie. "This would necessitate a former partner with awareness of their own reactions to the relationship. Unfortunately, there are occasions when a relationship ends when your ex may lack the ability or wisdom to provide answers that might lead to closure, particularly if they are in pain or are acting to protect themselves.
Here are some measures you may take to have the closure talk you need with your ex if you're eager to get clarification and, ideally, peace from them and they're receptive to it.
Clarify for yourself what closure means to you
Closure implies different things to different people since every relationship and every breakup are unique. Ask yourself what that would entail if you want to get closure with an ex, advises Lurie. And consider whether talking to your ex would end up being detrimental to you and doing more harm than good. To fully accept the breakup and move on, consider what you need and whether you can provide it for yourself.
Sometimes, when we genuinely need to embrace the solutions inside ourselves, we mistakenly believe that we need the answers from an ex. Consider that, if your partner is the one who ended the relationship, talking to them might not provide you with the answers and closure you're looking for, says Lurie.
How to bring up getting closure from a former partner
Lurie advises giving it some time since breaking a relationship is sometimes a complex and drawn-out procedure before you urge your ex to communicate once again. You can choose to wait until you're ready to communicate with your ex or you can show understanding if they're not quite ready.
She advises getting straight to the point of why you reached out as soon as you believe the moment is perfect.
Asking whether they would be open to addressing the relationship with you and making it clear that you want to know more about why it didn't work out are two ways to bring up getting closure, advises Lurie.
What to bring up in conversation with your ex
If your ex has consented to speak with you, Lurie advises posing the following queries to see if you can reach the necessary resolution.
Do you too feel pain? If you're asking this question, Lurie advises, you should ideally be seeking confirmation that the emotions you both had throughout the relationship were important to both of you, not to find a way back into it. Although acknowledging your shared suffering won't make the agony go away, it may provide some solace via affirmation.
Can you explain what transpired to us to me? Accessing your ex's viewpoint of what didn't work may help you perceive things differently if you're still perplexed as to why the relationship ended, claims Lurie.
What would I have done otherwise? What would you have changed if you could? According to Lurie, "both parties will have some fault in almost all relationships." In addition, she notes that asking your ex what they wish they had done differently "hopefully prompts them to take some accountability and to validate that neither of you was entirely responsible for the relationship not working out." Asking about what you could have done differently may allow you to consider your own limitations and what you might want to work on for future relationships, if anything.
How to proceed if your ex refuses to speak with you
It's crucial to be ready for the possibility that your ex won't want to speak with you. You have to give yourself the closure you need in this situation. Lurie advises beginning with noticing and affirming the suffering you're feeling in order to achieve this. 'Expressing and recognizing that given how much you may have invested in the relationship and the nature of its termination, it makes logical that you're hurting,' she advises. Then, it could be beneficial to reflect on the connection and think about it from both yours and your ex's points of view. Ask yourself how you can honor the connection and what you'll need to move on, while still showing yourself compassion and sensitivity.
You should discover the tranquility required to leave the situation behind for good if you allow yourself to really acknowledge your needs while lavishing yourself with self-compassion.
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