It's as though you need a familiar coat to keep you warm till spring
Because the Christmas season is rife with nostalgia, it's not uncommon if you receive a text from a curious ex around this time. A harmless text is one thing, but if an ex walks back into your life, seeking to rekindle things as soon as the evenings turn a little cooler, you may be the victim of the latest dating craze known as "winter coating."
"Winter coating" occurs when a former partner or lover from your past attempts to renew your romance during the winter months in order to prevent loneliness and other tough feelings, according to Minaa B., one of eharmony's relationship specialists.
Consider this: you reach for your trusted parka when it begins to get chilly outside, but as soon as it begins to warm up, you abandon it since you no longer require it. Isn't it lovely? While winter coating is similar to other cringe-worthy dating traditions like as cuffing and snow globing, the return of an ex around the holidays makes sense.
"Breakups are difficult, and as a result, reminiscing about your former partner—even if you initiated the breakup—is natural," B. says. says. "During the holidays, there may be a strong pull to rekindle a relationship with an ex because holidays are a time for love, family, and connection, and if you spent the previous holidays with your ex, not having them around during this new season can feel difficult as you adjust to not having them around and may potentially have to explain to your family why your ex is not present this year."
When you consider the emotionally charged season and seasonal affective illness, it's easy to see why individuals feel more lonely in the winter. Most people find the familiarity of an ex more appealing, especially when they are down. But it doesn't imply you should go back to your ex right now. If your ex returns this winter with all the warm and fuzzy feelings, here's what you should think about before responding to that text.
Make your intentions clear
Regardless of who you date—whether an ex or a new partner—B. thinks it's crucial to date with clear goals, and "there's a reason why you made such a difficult decision when you break up with someone."
If an ex reappears and tries to renew a relationship, she suggests asking yourself, "What has changed?" What will be different today than before? Is the reason you split up still an issue, and has their conduct changed?
According to B., another crucial question to ask yourself is, "'Am I reconnecting with my ex because it is the easiest way to manage my sadness rather than dealing with my sadness?"
"Break-ups are heavy on the heart, and when they happen, it's natural for people to look for quick ways to relieve their pain, and they assume getting back with their ex is the fix they need when, in reality, they need to mourn their loss, manage the grief of their relationship ending, and move on."
What should you do if you decide to respond to the text/call?
So your ex texted you and wants to keep in touch. Before you get carried away by your sentiments and images of snuggling up by the fire, B. recommended that you ask them the following questions:
What is going to be different this time?
- Do you understand why we split up and what has to happen before we try again?
- Why should we strive to recreate this?
- What are your objectives? What modifications have you done to assist us progress?
- By asking these questions, you'll both be on the same page right away, knowing where you stand and what you expect from the reunion.
Indications of your ex "winter coating" you
Even if you ask all of the correct questions and have the greatest of intentions, your ex may be "winter coating" you without your knowledge. B. wanted to ensure the authenticity of their reunion. recommends to take heed to the time difference "If you and your ex broke up in January and have had no contact all year, and they reappear the week before Thanksgiving to ask how you've been doing and how you plan to spend the holidays," she says.
She also recommends paying attention to ex-partners who appear over the holidays and make allusions to items they want to receive or share with you. "Chances are, they're looking for you to buy them something under the guise of reuniting." Other warning flags include your ex urging you to attend family events even if you're no longer together or just mentioning dating over the holidays but not until the New Year."
Choose what you want
whereas B. If it's feasible to make things work with an ex again, it signifies something has changed that will allow you and your ex to work together again. "The issue that caused your breakup in the first place must be addressed and resolved before you can feel like you can move forward," she adds. "You also want to ensure your ex intends to stick around even after the holidays to ensure this isn't just a winter-coating situation," she says. When your ex does return, she advises being strong with your limits and selecting what you are and are not prepared to partake in.
"Also, be brave enough to seek clarity and ask the necessary questions to ensure that this reconnection is the result of genuine interest and desire to get back together," she advises. "Before you start dating again, reconnect with yourself and understand what you need and want before you shed your winter coat and move on from the relationship."
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