It's not always best to forgive in order to move on or keep yourself safe
A common recommendation when we have been wronged by someone is to forgive the offender. That means, as we all know, that we must seek to "cease feeling resentment against (an offender)" or "to give up resentment of or claim to requital." Often, our collective imagination about what forgiveness looks like includes the active participation of the offender in earning the forgiveness, or it includes us simply letting go of the offense on our own.
It matters how you define forgiveness, according to Dan Neuharth, a licensed marriage and family therapist and creator of the Narcissism Demystified blog for Psychology Today. I think of forgiveness as a spectrum.
Finding a way to accept and let go of what happened, which may or may not be communicated to the offender, is at the opposite end of the continuum from exoneration, where the slate is cleared.
Forgiveness is not always easy
When the person who caused the harm refuses to acknowledge the consequences of their actions and is unwilling to put forth the effort to change, forgiveness becomes much more difficult. In these situations, the process of forgiving either needs to look different or need to be abandoned entirely.
The goal, according to Neuharth, "is to find a way to let go of the bitterness and blame, not necessarily to forgive that person." It is necessary to think carefully about what the healing process should entail when there is actual harm occurring, either physically or emotionally.
You have to consider carefully whether forgiving someone is even a good idea or whether you want to grant them access to you, according to Neuharth. "Safety comes before forgiveness," the saying goes.
Vulnerability is required for forgiveness
According to Neuharth, there is a natural sense of vulnerability when forgiving or letting go because doing so can be an admission of the possibility that it might happen again, particularly if you choose to maintain contact with the person who hurt you. It's challenging to admit our vulnerability, he said.
It's critical to understand that vulnerability and the potential costs involved in having it occur again. According to Neuharth, "some people are able to move on or say, 'I can let this go, and I trust myself to set healthy boundaries and be vigilant, and even if it happens again, I know I can survive,'" which allows them to let go of the incident. However, other people might believe that "if this happens, it will be expensive, it will hurt me, and I don't want that." Neither position is incorrect; you must do what is right for you.
#Forgiveness #Psychologist
SOURCE: lifehacker
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