This time of year might be lonely, but it doesn't mean you should return to your old behaviors.
Whether you're returning to your hometown like a Hallmark movie or simply feeling lonely in general, the holidays are a great time to get that nagging sense that you should text your ex and see what they're up to. It's tempting to get caught up in nostalgia for former Christmas seasons and wish you still had that old spouse to snuggle up with, but come on. It's not a good plan. Here's how to get yourself to quit seeking out.
It's pleasant to recall the sensitive times when you exchange gifts or visit each other's families, but you're doing yourself a disservice if you don't also remember the disagreements or wounded sentiments that occurred over that time.
Be moderate and disregard some of the Christmas carols.
At this time of year, two classic Christmas songs show us the wrong and correct ways to look at old relationships. Darlene Love initially recorded "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)," which was later covered by Mariah Carey, U2, Cher, and others. Unfortunately, it's our example of how not to reminisce about an old relationship during the holidays: "They're singing 'Deck the Halls,' but it's not like Christmas at all because I remember when you were here and all the fun we had last year."
Thinking on "all the fun" of last year isn't going to assist you much today. You wouldn't be romanticizing a few weeks ago if the relationship had been pleasant and healthy all year, would you?
Let's instead listen to a song on how to think about an ex around the holidays. That's correct, it's Wham's "Last Christmas"! "Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away," the song begins. To prevent myself from crying this year, I'll gift it to someone special."
See how much more believable that is? It's not necessary to forgive an old flame's previous offenses just because it's the season of love and light. You have the right to retain them and maintain the memories of what went wrong as a reminder that you deserve better–even if you spend this Christmas season alone and only get to be coupled-up the next time. (Spending the holidays alone isn't all that horrible; you're saving money on gifts, so spend it on yourself!)
Ask yourself some of these questions
To avoid hooking up with an ex during the holidays, dating guru Kate MacLean of Plenty of Fish suggests asking yourself a few questions. First, consider how many times you've previously broken up with this individual, and then write down the reasons why.
"Having these messages put out plainly might transform your point of view," she says. "If the first breakup was due to values and ambitions not aligning, it will be extremely difficult to make your partnership work again." Though people can change, fundamental ideals and aspirations are frequently immutable. These can continue to create or shatter a relationship, no matter how long it has been."
So, while you can get together for a few weeks to go see some light displays or ring in the new year, the truth of your relationship is that it didn't work before and is unlikely to work again after the artificial tree is put away. Do you really want to have another breakup with the same person? What an awful way to start the new year.
Then, inquire, "How long ago did we split up?" "Loneliness sneaks in fast, and individuals often revert back to messaging an ex because it's soothing, especially at high-pressure periods like the holidays or because of major life events like the pandemic," MacLean said.
According to a recent POF study of 2,000 singles, 55% would consider reuniting with an ex post-pandemic. Ask yourself why you're thinking about it. If there is turbulence in another area of your life and you are searching for something dependable from the past, consider addressing your current concerns rather than utilizing another human person as a comfort blanket.
Keep yourself busy with the vital things.
Concentrate on everything else that is happening on right now. Spend some time getting dressed up for your business party or intricately wrapping a gift for a buddy. Volunteer with an organization that assists the less fortunate around this time of year, or offer to assist your parents with some tedious housework. It feels nice to be kind–and it feels good to maintain one's strength and independence in the face of a little loneliness.
You may even keep yourself active by going on new dates! Reinstall your old applications or be open to advances at a Christmas party. Don't let your nostalgia for a bygone era or your need for a quick and dependable hookup keep you from meeting someone interesting. The past should be left in the past. A new year is approaching.
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SOURCE: lifehacker
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