Don't neglect these crucial considerations before tying the knot.
When you've been with your partner long enough to consider marriage, you may believe you know everything there is to know about them. But there's a chance you won't. You may be familiar with their musical tastes and political beliefs, but do you know how they feel about distributing household chores? What actually qualifies as infidelity? If they'd volunteer to wake up in the middle of the night and nurse a wailing baby, or if they'd save—or promptly spend—a bonus check?
While it's natural to feel ecstatic as a relationship approaches marriage, you also want to remain grounded in how your and your partner's goals, values, and long-term emotional needs align. Don't put it off until it's too late. (In other words, it's in your best interest to resolve these potential difficulties before getting married.)
How will we deal with money?
The money chat is critical since financial discord is one of the major causes of divorce. Will you open a joint account into which all earnings will be automatically deposited? Or will you maintain separate accounts? What about any assets you may have had before to marriage? Do they become shared? Where will you put your money first? How much money will you set aside each month to save for the future?
How will we distribute domestic labor in our household?
Domestic labor, commonly known as just plain bad housework, can be a cause of contention later on. Even if you have a housekeeper who comes in on a regular basis to do deep cleaning, nothing except nightly takeout will stop the flow of dishes, counter-spraying, and crumb-sweeping. When you factor in children with their never-ending procession of toys, misplaced shoes, and dirty clothes, you're looking at hours of extra work per day.
How will it be distributed? Are there any gender-specific expectations for how this work will be completed? Remember to include in the discussion cooking, kitchen clean-up, laundry, yard work, home repairs, and bill-paying.
How will we deal with disagreements?
You've probably already had a few humdingers to have a sense of how you and your partner create and resolve dispute. Every healthy partnership has disagreements; the question is whether you can overcome them without harboring animosity. Is it necessary for your partner to have some time and space after an argument? How much is it? Is it ever OK to use profanity and toss objects during a fight? Do they believe in the adage "never go to bed angry" (which, FYI, is practically impossible) or do they have a history of shutting down and stonewalling? Before getting married, figure out how to break these patterns.
Are you willing to see a therapist if we need it?
If you and your partner can no longer properly negotiate your arguments without harboring hurt, resentment, and disappointment, it's time to seek marriage counseling. Is your partner willing to go along with it? Would they accompany you or go on their own if necessary? You'll want to know whether they have any reservations about seeking help.
What are your sexual expectations?
Every partnership has sexual highs and lows. How will you and your partner deal with the frequency changes? It's a good idea to talk about what each of you will put up with in terms of getting your sexual needs addressed outside of the relationship. What are your partner's feelings towards masturbation, pornography, and an open marriage?
Will we live together before getting married?
Some people believe that cohabitation is necessary before marriage, while others believe that it should wait until after marriage. What is your partner's position? How would you divide your household expenses? Which location will you be relocating to? (Answer: whichever has the most restrooms.)
Where are we going to spend the holidays?
Holidays can be a difficult time for couples, with one partner prepared to fly anywhere to spend time with their families around the fireplace while the other would rather go skiing. It's especially crucial to address how and where you'll celebrate if you and your partner have different religious views, your family live far apart, or your values differ from your partner's parents.
Do you want children? And, if so, what are your options?
This appears to be a no-brainer, yet the thought of having a family is not always clearly acknowledged. How many children does your partner desire if they want children? What if you can't conceive; is your prospective spouse receptive to IVF, surrogacy, or adoption?
How will we raise the children?
Once everyone is on the same page about children, you can go on to the next key question: how will we care for them? Is one partner expected to work full-time at home? Who will look after them if both partners work? Does any of this alter if you have a special needs child?
Even if you and your partner don't understand the terminology for different parenting styles, try to imagine how they might parent. (You can do this by asking how they were raised and what they liked and disliked about it, or by imagining scenarios such as: What if our child was discovered stealing? What if they talked back to you?) Is their parenting style more hands-off and permissive? Authoritarian and old-fashioned? Gentle? Will you have to be the one to enforce the rules?
Would you ever consider getting a divorce?
Of course, attitudes might shift over time, but determining someone's ideas and feelings about divorce is critical. Is your partner a "ride-or-die" kind who can't imagine splitting up once you're married? Or do they regard it as a necessary evil when things aren't going well? What are some of the reasons, or deal-breakers, that they would consider divorcing?
Getting married is exhilarating, but staying married is a difficult work in progress. Addressing these concerns before saying "I do" is an excellent strategy to ensure a happy marriage.
SOURCE: lifehacker
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