![[REVIEW] Anaconda (2025)](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiUD_vExzcSOToq5SpcwlYXsEVB0SPD7mnRCmGR6cnLUYWPnQoUB9y-C9CMwCCVr27CFwNMj2HhHXtrGh6tM99bb7D7zX9VwB_30u-zuydA1RCZtPhmVOYPDSRwsH6-Ox20BhsM3frtiWcOL95huqVCVGAcD_HbD1Nm0fP6Qe_klYAlrZ97PlORXqTAGok=w640-h362-rw "[REVIEW] Anaconda (2025)")
Anaconda (2025): The Meta-Reboot That Constricts Your Will to Live
Let’s get the Sir Mix-a-Lot joke out of the way immediately: Anaconda don’t want none. And honestly, after sitting through this confused mess of a "comedy," neither do I.
Director Tom Gormican, who previously gave us the actually funny Nic Cage meta-fest The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent, has returned to the well of self-referential filmmaking. But this time, the well is poisoned, the bucket has a hole in it, and there’s a giant CGI snake waiting at the bottom to bore you to death. Anaconda (2025) is a concept searching desperately for a movie, landing firmly in that unhappy purgatory where the jokes aren't funny enough for a comedy, and the scares are about as frightening as a wet sock.
![[REVIEW] Anaconda (2025)](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEh5FYx2p1PMHwP7h93B3WxVYvsyM1JM5AK7Un_nB5IK71bHMB4lfnYIarQvd502nQ4zpkbat7i3DQOiXzFJOfhLF3sZ4MmaZV7SNGfiIVH35X4H2BscwPCCGRyu_TtwT14VaAR0FBbgJ16ue0v2YcA4A9q8NngYljMoVflRZxyI0zM66B_lNQEcT03ckAo=w640-h360-rw "[REVIEW] Anaconda (2025)")
Mid-Life Crises in the Amazon
Here is the premise, which sounds great on paper (specifically, a napkin written on at 3 AM in a dive bar):
Four "jamooks" from Buffalo, NY, are tired of their B-plus lives. We have:
- Griff (Paul Rudd): A background actor who claims he secured the rights to the 1997 J-Lo classic.
- Doug (Jack Black): A wedding videographer who thinks he’s the next Spielberg.
- Kenny (Steve Zahn): The buddy trying to stay sober.
- Claire (Thandiwe Newton): Freshly divorced and ready for... well, presumably something better than this movie.
Driven by existential dread and blind optimism, they head to the Amazon to film an indie reboot of Anaconda. Because nothing says "healing" like humidity and venom. Obviously, they stumble into a real Anaconda situation.
![[REVIEW] Anaconda (2025)](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhTBDFmOtX5cPCc-u7Gk-XDE02az9f9fEGwL4E3xtFecTpfu7mauwpDma7ivEXkN1SN9HsyX0kwSdODYU3yoJn6PPxhHxEw_S_rwkIpXz4csrSn_h5VRic0iwfbGa3j5Ny_klvf5IJzP9230vnuOC59vag2-vsrrzIWgn6y-lhQhuPWZv8PP6qJln7Otu0=w640-h366-rw "[REVIEW] Anaconda (2025)")
Two Bros and a Camera
I will give credit where credit is barely due. The movie is at its most tolerable when it’s just Paul Rudd and Jack Black playing indie filmmakers. Watching them treat basic screenwriting 101 like biblical epiphanies is genuinely amusing. They want to be the "White Jordan Peele," and watching them fail at that is the only time the movie has a pulse.
Rudd is, as always, aggressively charming. Jack Black is doing his chaotic Jack Black thing—though he feels handcuffed here, unable to go full Tenacious D. There are fleeting moments where the movie channels Ed Wood or Tropic Thunder, roasting the sheer stupidity of trying to make art in a jungle.
![[REVIEW] Anaconda (2025)](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEh_6MQpq72eKIpzlghHpCGHk8DzmyKQ_EKog2ZrZdQwbSa_Sqe_HMLlomEytjqmGizIaeTEbNIDXrJ8g0CbrbupTRe9BNU1aZd5X7O68MOin5mXq6Ktm0yqDvWwvB0M1wrK1zputskjkVdiOfNcc0mrFKBKUblGrCBXtgxF4_2zeWnSRBIwXrCciQk594Y=w640-h342-rw "[REVIEW] Anaconda (2025)")
Snakes on a Green Screen
Here is the hard truth: The 1997 Anaconda had a rubber snake that looked like a pool float, and it had more soul than the digital garbage on display here.
Gormican has absolutely no eye for horror. The "scares" consist of a choppy, confusing cold open involving a dirt bike (?), and then the same recycled underwater constriction shot over and over again. There is no tension. There is no gore to satisfy the sickos. It’s PG-13 mush. The CGI snake looks like a screensaver from 2005.
Furthermore, the movie is stuffed with subplots nobody asked for. Daniela Melchior plays a sketchy boat captain entangled with drug dealers/gun-toting thugs. Why? To pad the runtime. If you cut the criminals, you’d have a tighter 90-minute failure instead of a bloated 110-minute one.
Bottom Line
The humor relies on "pillowy payoffs" and lazy needle drops. Do we really need to hear "Back in Black" or "Kickstart My Heart" in a movie trailer style again? The jokes about Kenny’s sobriety or the "who is the better driver" argument are so stale you could crack a tooth on them.
This movie tries to mock the original Anaconda for being a B-movie, but the original knew what it was. This reboot is just a smug, cynical exercise that thinks pointing at a trope is the same thing as subverting it.
A reboot that eats its own tail. Stick to the 1997 original—at least the animatronic snake had the decency to look you in the eye while it crushed you.
About the Writer
Jenny, the tech wiz behind Jenny's Online Blog, loves diving deep into the latest technology trends, uncovering hidden gems in the gaming world, and analyzing the newest movies. When she's not glued to her screen, you might find her tinkering with gadgets or obsessing over the latest sci-fi release.What do you think of this blog? Write down at the COMMENT section below.
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